I think Im doing very well. Im quite proud of myself if I must say so. I did slip up last weekend with an ex of mine. She wanted to have one of those lay it all out on the tabe convos that some ex’s have once u feel as if u have gotten to the point where the shit doesnt really matter anymore. (Why talk about it then??? Hmm) I hate those convos. Anyway, so yeah and she asked me a particularly painful question about an awful time in our relationship and i just automatically went to panic mode/damage control. I lied my ass off to her and then felt like shit. I never made it any better either. I told mself that i’ll talk to her this week end so I can shamefully tell her that I lied to her. It will not be fun at all. But I made a promise to myself.

But other than that, yes I am growing. Im managing myself very well and I look forward to even more growth.

But then one day she went to church and i guess something in her clicked. That’s when she damn near became a nun. I mean she drug me to chruch minimum 4 days a week, twice on sundays. I felt like we lived there. I guess this wouldnt have been so bad if she was real about it. I found the true reason behind her needing to be at church so much was because she found a new man in her life and it wasnt God. I walked in on my mom fuckin the pastor in the church bathroom on a wednesday nite BEFORE bible study. Needless to say, I was not too interested in the study that night.

So after that I pretty much lost all respect for my mom. And she knew it. She fought back against it by grounding me for every damn thing, picking arguments with me, blaming me for my father leaving, etc. She became a fucked up individual. I have never resented someone so much in my life and i believe she feels the same way about me.

lol. I dont blame em tho. But thanks to my 1st  commenter for popping my blog cherry on my where do i start post.

1. I had an eating disorder from the age of 11 until I was 15. I was a chunky little girl and I got tired of hearing everyones damn mouth so I kept eating but I started throwin it all up. Did that for yrs until I passed out on my way to school one day and my mom  found out I was severely anemic, dehydrated, had two ulcers, and was well on my to burning an acidic hole through my esophagus. Hey, I did manage to lose 52 pounds tho.
2.  I started cutting myself when I was 14. Probably a side effect to throwing up all day every day. I only told one other person. My cousin who was 2 yrs older than me and had already been there done that. We couldnt trust any adults with this info of course. We’re from a black and Cuban family. They dont play that psycho shit. And they dont believe much in counseling either. Too bad, im sure it coulda helped if I would have started earlier.
3. The first time I ever told a  woman that I wanted to have sex with her was when I was 15. She was 33. And she was my academic advisor at my high school. She asked for a change of advisor slip and made me fill it out and turn it in that same day :-( I fucked her my senior yr, three days before she handed me my diploma
4. I was molested when I was 5. Then again when I was 6. Raped at 9. Again at 13. And then again at 19. Violent, rough, unforgivng sex that is not related at all to love or intimacy is pretty much all I knew. Is that shocking?    
5. My father moved away when I was a baby. He left me with my mom who was a religious hypocrite who sang in the choir and taught sunday school on sunday mornings, and sucked the pastor off on friday nights. I couldnt stand her & still cant. My dad came back in my life when I was 7 and he tries to make up for stuff. I cant help but love him because at least he tries…
6. Theres much more but im getting a lil depressed and i need a break and a drink. 

I was “involved” with a married man my 1st yr in college. I met him at a supermarket, it was 3rd week in D.C. and i had no clue how to get anywhere. He walked past me in the produce aisle and complimented my hair. At the time it was almost waist length and very thick so i was use to the comments (like black women cant grow long ass hair) anyway, so i smiled and kept on about mine. He just so happened to meet up with me again, i think we were over by the frozen stuff now and he made another comment, this time about some of the stuff in my basket. (cliche) I looked at him this time tho and was fairly surprised at how attractive he was. We exchanged contact info aafter finishing the discussion on what where when why and WHO i was shopping for. All his way of figuring out whether or not i had a man. Nope. A woman? yep. But he didnt ask all that. Maybe he should have.

Anyway, so we started doin the do a couple days into it, and i started asking him questions. He was a nice enuf guy and i liked spending time with him. Wasnt tryin to get serious but damn i do wanna kno what u do for a living and what your last name is. He was a lil hush hush at 1st, but he opened up after about a month of prying. I found out a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that. But the big bit of info didnt come until about the 4th month in. We werent official or anything. Just fucking…alot. Some nice dates thrown in. I still had my girlfriend whom he didnt know about. And apparently (as revealed to me after drunken sex) he had a WIFE I didnt know about.  I didnt bother getting mad. I mean, for what? He was already cheating, so was I. I was lying to him as well. It was what it was. But then he fucked up and brought her to the same damn grocery store that he knows i shop at every sunday afternoon and he just so happened to think it was ok to pop up at my usual time there.

Imagine my surprise when he came walkin down the aisle with this tall thick caramel woman by his side. Im talkin this bitch was bad. I go grocery shopping in jeans and a tshirt and youre lucky if its clean. She was in capris, heels and some kinda tank top that left little to my imagination. Instant wetness. For her not him at this point.

He plays it off as if im a “co worker” who just started at his place of employment. Wifey smiled at me and shook my hand. I noticed the linger of her stare and i remember wondering…”damn dude. Im sorry but she dont believe your sorry ass not for one minute. Games up!” Oh but it wasnt that at all. Because wifey got a genius idea to invite me to their sunday evening cook out. Of course I wasnt gonna pass up free food and a chance to stare at that ass some more.

Fastforward four hrs later and I’ve had a few martinis, wifey has smoked a few blunts, and hubby is playin ball with a few friends. Im in the kitchen with wifey, who is making the act of slicing a damn apple just about the sexiest thing ive seen since i dont know what.  She ate a piece of that apple and licked the juice from her fingertips. More wetness. Then wifey got a little bit bold and came right out with a fairly odd question: so are u gay or bi?

I coughed into my martini glass and remembered searching my brain for an answer. I laughed it off and asked y and she answered because she felt my eyes on her at every second since we met. I smiled a lil and nodded and told her I was bi. I apologized for making her uncomfortable. She gave me this look and came a little too close to me. She asked me if she was making me uncomfortable and i told her not in a bad way. This woman proceeded to take the knife she was using and lightly pressed the tip along the underside of my arm and traced up to my collar bone. Im tellin u i almost passed out from the wave of horniness. Like nothing i ever felt before. She took my hand and lead me back to one of their 5 damn bathrooms and when I tell u that woman is a beast. omg. I thought her husband knew how to give some head…nothin compared to this chick. So yeah.

I fucked a married man. And then his wife fucked me.

When I was 13, my mom found a few XXX tapes in my room. I thought I hid them well. Guess not. She went ballistic and called my dad to tell him of my activities. He laughed it off and said it wasnt the 1st time a teenager watched porn and it wouldnt be the last. lmao. I love my dad and he was very right.

I have a collection of about 50sumthin pornos. Not a huge amount but probably more than your average woman. Im kinda busy these days so I only get a chance to watch them maybe twice a week. I guess it is an addiction. I dont know. Im not harming anyone. Im not harming myself i dont think.  I still have relationships outside of the porn world. I can still have sex and get off in the real world. I just like to masturbate to porn. Alot. ALOT.

Hmmm…okay so in 2002 I was in a relationship with this girl. Hold up, lets back up. First things first, i’m a lesbian. Ok, moving right along.
So like i said, I was with a girl in 02. We had been together for almsot 2 yrs at this point. And I wanted out. But I was too much of a pussy to tell her. I mean, she was my best friend. I had once been in love with her and I thought maybe we would last and things would be great. But fuck if she didnt end up getting on every single one of my last nerves. All of em. Time just wore us thin and we were fighting all the time, crying all the time, etc. It was draining. Once again, we shoulda just let go.
So then I met this other girl. Fly as hell. Oh my god. I was kinda stuck on her. But we never took it there. When we 1st met she claimed to have never even been with women before (she was a liar too). Anyway, one night, K and I were drinking at my place. Watchin movies and what not. She asked me if it was okay if a friend of hers stopped by. I was already perked so why the hell not. Like 30 minutes later, someone knocked on my door and K answered it. I was leaned back into my armchair, legs propped over the arm when K brought this bad ass bitch into my living room. (pardon my mouth. I curse a lot) So yeah she was kinda tall, long legs, and that ass… i can still see it. Cocoa brown skin, hella smooth. Hips and thighs on point. Damn. I looked at K and she already knew where my mind was. lol. So yeah the fine ass friend sat down and asked if she could sip from my cup. Yall already know where my mind went. Like hell yeah. Here ya go. Oh you meant that cup? lol

So she starts drinking with us. We’re taking tequila shots back to back and then baby girl brought out the weed. Me, liquor and weed means someone in the room is gettin fucked. Im jus sayin. So yeah, we blazed. And drank. And blazed. Then K starts massaging Fine ass Friends shoulders. Fine ass friend starts moaning and shit. Im watchin and smokin. K is about as high as a damn kite and slides her hand into her pants and starts playin with herself as she is massagin fine ass friends shoulder. Ummmm….ok. Well damn. It is what it is. I probably dont need to go any further. One thing lead to another, and all 3 of us got what we had all been thinking about anyway.   

Meanwhile my girl was blowing my phone up. 4 hrs later, K and friend left. Although I distinctly remember tellin K that both of them were too fucked up to drive. K was a liar and stubborn so she didn’t listen. They left and i went to take a shower. All warm and satiated and shit. Still tipsy.  On my way to my bathroom i saw my nokia flashing in the dark, on the kitchen counter. SWEETNESS it what it said across the screen. My pet name for my girl. It was like someone injected poison  into my blood stream. I sat down, right there in the middle of the kitchen with nothin but a small tshirt on, and cried my eyes out. I cried until my eyes felt like sandpaper, they burned so damn much. I cried until I was hoarse, and until I got a fever. Why the hell was i crying tho? I was a grown ass woman. I made my own decisions to cheat. Why cry now, hell I already got the sideline pussy.

I was crying because I had just gven myself one more reason to loathe & despise the woman I had become. And it wasn’t the last thing I did to make myself hate me even more. Far from it.

This blog is my second phase of sorting this shit out as I said in my welcome, but for those of u who didnt bother to read it, this is for you. The first step was to acknowledge the fact that I am a liar. Done. Now i need to purge. Everything i’ve kept in, held back, refused to say, uncomfortable with revealing…I gotta let it go. This is where I will start. It’s not the final stage because I’m still hiding behind a computer screen.(Final stage is being able to talk it all out face to face)  But still…it’s a start.  This blog is not necessarily meant for anyone else. Im doing it for selfish reasons. But for those who either 1, suffer from the same problem, or 2, don’t have shit else to do but read about the lies i’ve told and am now coming clean, this can be for you also. Hope it’s entertaining. At least someone can enjoy it cuz I surely won’t.

So let me tell you my story. If it strikes your fancy, great. If not, and you wanna stop reading. I wont get offended. Trust me.

So, simply put. I’m a liar. Straight up. I have a hard time telling the complete and honest truth, and when I do try it seems to make matters even worse cuz I tend to then start making shit up off the top of my head. It’s a sickness and I realize that. I began counseling in january of this yr and I tell u it is hell. BUT its necessary. This blog is phase two of my “recovery”. I promised to open up and be truthful about every aspect of my life in one form or another. I chose to blog it because 1,i can still maintain a shred of deceny (lol) and 2, I love to write.  So be it. My 3rd step will be to take this honesty offline and apply it to life and become comfortable opening up to others without the bullshit. Let’s hope I make it there. Im taking this journey for selfish and not-so-selfish reasons. Selfish because Im doing it for my own therapy and release. SelfLESS because I know there are many other people out there who have the same problem and can relate in 1 way or another. If this blog can help me along my shit while also encouraging someone else to become a better person, i’ll be satisfied.

Let me warn you that I dont bite my tongue. Im vulgar, im kinda rude, im a bit of an emotional wreck,  im hypersexual, and i’ve done a LOT of shit that wouldnt make your grandmother smile and praise Jesus. Trust me. So now you know what’s to come. Dont say I didnt warn u.   

Anyway, I won’t start my first Honesty post here cuz this is suppose to be the welcome. So once again, WELCOME. Hope you enjoy yourself. Oh and feel free to comment. Wont phase me none either way. The feedback might be good for me…